You Matter. Focus On Yourself

It is easy to get caught up in the swirls of life and let go of yourself.

It can happen at any time and to anyone, whether you’re a mother learning how to care for her newborn baby or you’re a dynamic office lady running against tight deadlines. A new routine establishes itself, and before you know it, you’ve forgotten to check how you are. Over time you might develop a pervasively negative view of yourself. You might even come to believe that your inner voice is correct when it describes you as a ‘loser’. However, self-loathing thoughts are a telltale symptom of depression!

Your inner voice isn’t real and, more importantly, isn’t right about your worth. However, a vast majority of people who struggle with a depressed state are not aware of their condition. They gradually develop a form of blindness regarding their symptoms that makes it difficult to acknowledge the depression.

Unfortunately, it’s a common scenario. Even though we all know a tale of depression, we can’t recognize it in ourselves. In fact, the mind comforts itself in the knowledge that there might be a thousand other factors that could be driving your mood. From lacking sleep to dealing with a challenging project at work, you’d be surprised to know how inventive people can be when they’re looking for an excuse to their mood. As a consequence, many depressed subjects fail to receive the care and attention they need to get better. That is precisely why it’s important to shift your focus back to yourself. You matter because life becomes meaningless when you stop paying attention to how you feel.

Not caring about yourself is the most harmful form of rejection

Rejection hurts. There is no denying it. The pain it inflicts can go far beyond the realm of emotional well-being. In fact, when you experience any form of rejection, MRI studies have revealed that it affects the same areas of the brain that are activated when you experience physical pain. It’s no wonder that neurologically speaking, being rejected hurts so much! Your brain is bracing itself in the same way it does for physical pain. However, from an evolutionary perspective, your brain has developed a warning system to keep you alive. Hence, rejection leads to being ostracized, which in the hunter/gatherer society used to be a death sentence – you couldn’t survive in the wild on your own.

In modern society, ostracism remains an essential tool for integration and life satisfaction. So your brain is trying to help you change your behavior to avoid further rejection. Nevertheless, when the rejection you experience is self-inflicted, your brain has no other way to react than causing you pain. Thinking you are not good enough or deliberately isolating yourself are some of the most common forms of self-rejection. It’s time to hear what your brain is trying to tell you. The only way to stop hurting is to change how you engage with yourself.

The first step is to check in with yourself

If you haven’t checked in with yourself for a long time, the first time might be overwhelming. You might find that you don’t really know how you feel and it’s okay. People who tend to struggle with postpartum depression, depressive disorder, anxiety disorders, panic disorders and even bipolar personality are more likely to experience rapid and dramatic mood swings during a day. Think of yourself as a shell sinking at the shallow bottom of an agitated sea. You might be swooshed to the south by one wave and slapped back towards the east by another. The aquatic algae torn by the angry sea lash about you and push you further in a new direction. At any given time, the shell doesn’t know where it is and where it is going.

While it’s dramatic imagery, it is a helpful way to start your journey towards self-awareness. For now, it’s fine not to know how you feel. In time, you’ll get to understand that you can manage how each wave affects your journey. But for now, it’s okay to be lost in a rollercoaster of emotions.

It’s okay to be yourself

When you find yourself caught in an emotional rollercoaster, it’s normal to look for stable references to find your way back to yourself. But, minds differ on the definition of a stable reference. Indeed, the best reference for how you feel is yourself. It’s about getting to understand your very core in all its depth. Needless to say, it’s an approach that takes both time and dedication.

Understanding your emotions doesn’t happen overnight. So, in the meantime, it might be tempting to compare yourself to others in an attempt to find out an emotional role model. And this is how you can develop an unhealthy comparing habit. You may not only want to understand what makes Sarah so happy, you also believe that her happiness is linked to the fact that she is more successful in life than you are. Could you conquer your emotional rollercoaster through mimicking other people? Would becoming more successful than Sarah be the answer to your problems? The answer is no. This approach doesn’t help you to comprehend your emotions. On the contrary, it creates a negative backlash in the shape of perfectionism. Indeed, the more you look up to others for guidance and inspiration, the more you lose yourself. You need to focus on your positives and your motivation because nobody else than you holds the key to unlock your full potential.

Every little step towards a stronger you is sacred

Focusing your yourself is easier said than done, especially when you’ve been trying to find excuses for your mood for a long time. But don’t let your emotional confusion be an obstacle. Instead, you can take the slow path to rediscover what attracts and interests you in life. Take little steps to test the direction; there is no need to perform a 180° turn in your life at this point – unless there is obvious evidence that you are stuck in a perilous situation, such as a violent relationship for instance. But something as simple as throwing a party with yummy birthday cakes or booking a spa appointment can be a nudge in the right direction.

The priority when shifting the focus to yourself is to rediscover who you are and what you like. It might be a trial phase during which you experiment with ideas and behavioral patterns. Something as simple as figuring out which side of the bed is your favorite or what kind of coffee you like in the morning is teaching you out to tune in to your inner voice again.

Silence is the enemy. Talk about how you feel

Anxiety and depression disorders have a voice of their own that constantly speak to you and push you in corners. For many, the voices seem perfectly normal. They might even be perceived as good advisors who only lead to your misery when you fail to obey them. And, consequently, a lot of people develop a trusted relationship with their disorders, so much that they don’t know how to talk about it. Feeling down or scared? Surely not, this would be a sign of weakness. As a result, they prefer suffering in silence. The shame of understanding your feeling and realizing you are depressed can force you to remain silent. Being strong on your own will kill you. Share it to heal.

Ask yourself: Are you stressed or are you depressed?

When you decide to share your emotions, it’s important to realize that you might still need a diagnostic. Indeed, acknowledging to yourself that you can’t cope with your feelings and that you are in a situation of emotional distress doesn’t mean you are ready to self-diagnose your health issues. It’s not uncommon for patients to confuse stress and depression, resulting in developing an ill-fitted solution. Stress can lead to feeling overwhelmed, anxious and trouble functioning in everyday situations. Depression, on the other hand, brings a feeling of negativity and guilt about yourself that can transform into suicidal thoughts.

Can you heal by yourself?

Whether you’re under high stress or you’ve started to develop a depressive state, it’s natural to want to deal with the situation on your own. While it isn’t always the best solution, it’s fair to say that embracing a mindful attitude can help you to think clearly about your health. Mindfulness lets you experience your sadness in safe and controlled conditions so that you learn and grow from it. For a lot of people, mindfulness can be a tool that fights depression.

Know when you need help

However, developing a safe and mindful attitude takes time and efforts. You need to have regained a sense of stability to be in a position to self-healing. Before you reach this level, though, you might need to rely on the support of experts. Negative thoughts about your self-worth – or lack of — can be hard to shake off without the help of an attentive therapist.

Depression affects millions of people in the world. It is nothing to be ashamed of. However, too many people are blind to their condition. If you are worried that you have not been yourself recently, it’s time to find the way back to your core self. It’s the only way of knowing how you feel, who you are and how to heal.

.This is a contributed article written for WhimMagazine.com